a lot of people especially ones who are educated or also those who’re making money a lot or those who’re beautiful think that they know the world and they know everything or prolly that the world keeps revolving around them .. but the reality isn’t like that .. everyone has a life of their own and own perspective … and somehow strangely everyone is different despite how they were brought up or how they got treated or others expectation from them… the basic theory of everyone should be that ‘you are born alone and you’ll die alone’  .. so you have to be able to live alone alone too .. never expect anyone from anyone .. what ever you do for others don’t count at all .. the world is cruel … you love someone and then you keep thinkin abt her all the time .. waiting for her to call you, waiting for the time you’ll be needed by her, you do whatever she tells you to do .. and one day she asks you to jump off the cliff coz you’re makin it hard for her to live her life .. coz you can’t let her go and she doesn’t want you in her life … you know it and you cant do shit about it … what is this ? if you’re so in love then why even think for a second? just go and jump and kill yourself if that makes her happy … but you can’t … and now you think that prolly she’s not the right one for you .. prolly all the time she was just using you and messing around with you .. your mind says one thing but your heart can’t stop beating for you .. whenever you think of her, it feels cold inside .. that chilly feeling in your heart !!! what is it ?? cant it just stop now ? isn’t it enough already ??  what more is left to be seen ?? what more is left to be taken away from me when even my life has been taken away ??  :’(

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There always has been different types of definition about LIFE throughout my Lifetime. when I was small and able to think about Life, I thought life is a easy way to live and for me My life was all about having Game boy’s cool game , Video games , Guns, and FUN.I never thought one day I will be still trying to find the real meaning of my LIFE. I believe now my childhood age was the most fun and relaxing moments of my life till now. I Never have to used my brain and heart because I was happy with what I had at that time. When I was a freshly new Teenage I always thought life is all about buying Fashionable clothes, finding tips to get more beautiful and pretty , Thinking how many boys’ fancy me and having Fun with my best friends.I never thought one day I will be still trying to find the real meaning of my LIFE. I remember one moment when I was so concern about looking  pretty and I end up hating my face and didn’t realize my inner Beauty I have. I became to use my heart for those kind of emotion and judgement.             Now(2012/01/23) I cant think what I want to Think, I cant be Happy even though I get somehow what I wanted. I feel my life is heading towards the door of Hell. I have friends with whom I can have fun but I don’t think about it any more. I tried my best to be successful and do good in my life but I end up regretting what I done and always think I could have done better and focused on what I started before. I came to use my heart and tears more than my brain and end up hurting myself. I think about others happiness more than mine. Every moments I think whether he/she is happy with what she have right now and think do they need my useless help in their life so at least I can make their life colourful. At least be happy and free of sadness than me. I got some time to relaxed but I get more tired and bored. so, I’M TRYING TO FIND THE REAL MEANING OF MY LIFE.

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There’s some stuff goin on in my mind since the past few weeks… something that I’ve been trynna contemplate, something that I needaa understand about myself…

You see.. I’ve always been really good at lookin back at myself and reflectin on what I’ve been and where I’m going. Nyhoo.. seems there were a lottaa things that I hadn’t really reflected on.

The other day, I met a really old friend of mine.. we hadn’t seen each other since the past 10 years or something.. and she’s one of the oldest friends I have. We were together in school.. we were in class 3 when we first met and became best friends.. after that, we’ve always been in touch.. before she left for the States. So this other day we meet.. and then we went on to talk about ourselves, we had a lot of catching up to do… we talked about our past and all the stupid things we did.. n then we talked about our relationships. She asked me about mine.. I said I wasn’t so sure of where I stand in my relationship. And then she said the most amazing thing.. she said she always knew I would never really be in a serious relationship, coz I’m jus not cut out to be in one. That really really shocked me.. like.. why do I look like somebody who can’t be in a good, stable relationship? It confused me.. a lot!!!!!!! I just thought about it for a while… if I’d told her that I was in a really good stable relationship, what would she have said?? I don’t know.

A few days later, I was having a good girly chat with onaa my best friends. There again we were talkin about anything and everything… what some girl was wearing, what some person said.. and the conversation finally got on round to relationships. There again, she asked me about my relationship.. and I told her the truth. It wasn’t going on so well, there were a lottaa issues in hand.. some possible future consequences and all that.. and she went on to gimme the same dialogue.. dyamm??? She went on to tell me again how I’m not cut out for relationships.. I am and always will be a free person.. I can’t be chained into any relationship coz’ then I wouldn’t be myself. And then finally… as a compliment.. or as a compensation to what she’d said.. she went on to tell me how I’ve always inspired her and our other friends by being very strong about relationships!! So apparently, I’ve given them strength to stand their grounds in relationships and taught them not to ever depend on somebody else for happiness!! Okay.. that sounds good… I felt happy when she told me I inspired them.. .. but really?? Am I not cut out for serious relationships?? Questions questions!!

I reflected on my past. There are some pretty amazing people that I’ve met, some people I’ve dated, some people who I didn’t even talk to because there was something about them that I didn’t like. Serious relationships? I had one! I thought I was really really in love with him…. Now that I look back at it, I don’t know if I was head over heels for him because it was love.. or because I was constantly looking for his attention. When he left, i’d expected myself to break down and go crazy! But I didn’t. I really really thought that without him my world would be incomplete, that I didn’t have the strength to go on without him beside him, that I’d die… but I didn’t. When he left, however, I triggered the most creative part in me… I didn’t cry… I wrote!!! I wrote songs about him.. and songs about us.. and songs about me… I didn’t cry.. I let it all out in words.. until I cudn’t write anymore and I moved on….

That gets me to think… maybe I’m not really meant to be in a good, happy relationship.. I’m supposed to write and let people hear me…. maybe its true. Maybe I’m not cut out to be chained down to some guy, who’ll promise me the world and be by my side. I’m supposed to look out for myself.. isn’t that what everybody’s supposed to do? Why is it, then, that people let themselves go and look for that special someone who can complete them?? Hell… nobody can complete you… the only person who can complete you, is yourself! What’s the big deal then? I’m still thinkin….. not writin…. Still thinkin……….

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Dear you,

You with all that you are and the way that you aren’t at all like what I first thought of you.. thank you. Among all the things I wanna say to you.. thank you almost sums it all up . You, with all that rudeness towards towards me, were actually kinda sweet. Thank you, You. For the sweet likeness that you never show. Thank you, also for bringing all those feelings back to me. You don’t know how much you actually mean to me! No, not THAT way. In a very different way, you mean a lot to me.. my “ego” if you will! I know you wouldn’t understand that.. But see, a girl always wants someone to like her, whether or not he will ever be hers! I will forever cherish you, and I know I will.

See, Im the kind that falls in love faster than 9.8m/s .. and you’re the perfect bait for me. Im sorry that I already love you now. I am so sorry I have already been a little possessive of you and Im so so so sorry that now I stare at you like a desperate girl. But I can tell you it wouldn’t last very long. You see, I will eventually fall for someone else soon. Forgive me, dear if you catch me staring at you like a retard. You’re a little tempting .

I know soon or sooner you will get tired of me.. and you will forget me…. well all i ask of you is to make it last a few days more, please? I don’t think I wanna lose you just yet. You’re a bit special for me.. you actually being the one that fell for me over someone who’s a lot more prettier, not only in the outside!

And I am kind of hoping you won’t like me back. I know we don’t stand a chance together. If I were ever to know for sure that you like me, I will go insane! I will mess us up really soon.. and what we have now is so much better. The light playfulness of it all.. the good days. And I don’t think I would deserve a person like you. I guess I could make do with you and me together in my mind. You will always be safe right here with me..in my daydreams! And I won’t be losing you that way either. Am I freaking you out? Well, wat can I say..Im just paranoid that way!

Also, I was kinda hoping today that you would like, accept that crazy-ass letter lol! Well, expectations, I tell you! They get higher and higher each time! And, thank you, once more.

Sincerely yours,
but secretly so!

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I’m not perfect… never was.. never will be. I don’t have long flowing hair that dazzles in the sunlight and makes u fall in love with me… I hate make up, it makes my skin itch and makes me look plastic!!! I can’t bat my eyelids at you and make u fall in love with me….. I have no skirts, i’ve survived on jeans all my life… i’m not good at makin up lies to make u feel good aba yourself.. i have to speak my mind!! I don’t have manicured hands.. I have zero nails… i can’t show off my hands to make u fall in lov with me… i have too much of an ego to come to you and cry my eyes out and tell u how much i love you… but if ever u wanted me to, i’d use my zero nails hands to play a song fo’ you… i can’t cook.. but i would learn fo ‘you.. if i ever thought u were worth it……………. I’m not perfect.. never was.. never will be. But fo’ the kinda person i am.. i am freakin awesome… and fo’ that reason, i refuse to be just an option fo’ you.. coz’ i deserve the best!!!!!

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She’s gone … for good or bad i don’t know. Shud i be happy or sad ? I dont know ..  what should i do now ?? I don’t know .. everything’s so f**ked up now all of a sudden .. all of a sudden i feel so empty and without anything to do … i am confused what happened ?? did i miss something or what ?? i dont even know what hit me ?? it hit me so hard and so fast that I didn’t had even a second to react .. all i could feel was sheer cold inside … never was my heart so cold before … i dont know how much time it’s gonna take to get hold of myself again .. i don’t know if i’ll ever be as i was before … i wish i could cry out loud and shout like crazyy; out so loud that even she hears me and feels how much pain i am in .. how much it hurts to know that she’s gone now, far away from me …  but all i can do is lock myself down and let tears flow from my eyes till it dries up and i feel asleep …

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got my belly pierced! yay!
apparently i have a low B.P and when people with low bp are scared of getting pierced, they tend to pass out !!
heehee.. jhandai behos bhako .. wat a bejjati lol /..and now im surfing on the net.. reading about body rejecting piercing and all.. ! got me fucking scared!! wanted a piercing since 9th grade.. finally had one done ! wohoo!! hehe!

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i was supposed to translate this song in english and write it down but i know i suck at stuffs like that .. so i wont do that .. after all, it has the subtitle in the video .. I’ve been listening to this song for quite a while now .. its really touching ….i’m not the kinda of a person who can write while listening to music and when i do its like this …

i wont say i am the right person to tell how anyone feels at a time when heart breaks; seen it ; felt it .. been thru best times and worst times anyone can ever come across … been thru love and hatred from the one you love … its been a while now .. i am succeeding i guess … i’ve forgotten many things … gimme some more time and i will … i was never meant for her .. i neva said i was actually…. God just gave me a reason to love coz i had no faith in love before .. may be he just wanted me to punish me for my hypocrisy ..  coz afta i met her i started to believe in god and have faith on it … i started praying to god to give her to me; i started begging for her happiness ..

i dont know how this got into my head that she cud ever be happy with me .. i’ve slowly started to realize that she doesn’t need me .. it was always me who needed her .. it was always me who cudn’t  live without her .. i was one fucking crazyy to even think this cud ever work out … i’ve learnt a big lesson … you cant always have what you love ; so be prepared  .. i know its hard and at times you can’t breath easily coz your heart hurts so much and the pain is unbearable that you wanna  die but you wont …

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I think that I might have to live alone whole my life. No, seriously. I have no one who wants me. I don’t feel very bad.. just bad enough to get me down on an ordinary day.. Everytime I feel like things are gonna turn around for me I get thrown back down so hard, I get scared of even wanting to be liked. It is the worst feeling when you try your bestest to impress someone and they just ignore you. Maybe this is what it is. I am an invisible glass wall. Every now and then people bump into me, but thats only just a mistake! And what with me getting my hopes up everytime someone bumps into me.. haha! Someday all of this crashing is gonna take its toll on me.. and Im gonna shatter. I dont need a lot of guys!! I need just one person to make me happy!!! The fucking universe can give me that no? I want it with evrrrryy fucking beat of my heart! I feel aloneeeeeeee! Totally mind numbingly and destructively alone! Can’t you fucking get that!!???? What does it take for the world to present me with a man who isn’t a pretender? Are all the good ones dead?

Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I’m even a good person at all. I mean, surely if Im a good person, good things should happen to me, right? That’s how it goes, doesn’t it/? Everyone had that pushing down my throat all through my childhood, they had me believing that a super-almighty will be taking care of me.. he wouldnt ever leave me be. Well, fuck. Why is no good coming out of anything that I ever do. I am a fucking nun, practically. Good things are supposed to be flooding down on me like volcano lava. Where the fuck is anything good? Why did the adults have me thinking I should be a good person when now I know they are as rotten as garbage. They got me into behaving like a good girl. And now they tell me this is a dog eat dog world and that I will never make it through with my morals. They let me be weak and cry and whine, they let me think I was a fucking princess. And now that I have grown up I am suddenly not allowed to drop a tear. They took my crown from me.. They threw me from my throne. Hypocrites. Why the hell do you let a child build up so many dreams on what is just a fantasy? Well see, Im still just a child now..! Im still crying Im still whining. I don’t know what being an adult is at all.! Am I supposed to love you, World? Thank you for all the fucking support?

Well fuck no! No matter how hard this universe is gonna kick me in my guts, I still have a little faith that someday Im gonna be not alone. I know in my puny ass heart that somewhere in a corner a loner is around, equally nauseated by this world. I don’t care how much I get mocked at, or lied to by anyone anymore. They are just doing what they were taught. Since my goody two shoes morals are already 18 years in the making, and now that anything foreign to it is gonna cost me much, much more I’ll just have to stick to them and hope they don’t get me killed. You see, Ive come to believe that Life doesn’t suck, but everything else does. With everything that is wrong around me, I could be way more wrong than them. I could be a thousand miles from the truth and I could be just a sheep trying to be a goat. I don’t fucking care coz at the end both the goat and the sheep will be going down together for the sacrifice. But since Im living in no one’s world and not mine, I have to be a certain way. Yes, a no one’s world! Everyone wants to control someone else’s world..not their own! They love to manipulate! They say they hate hipocrisy..they don’t know how they are the hipocrisy. Well I happen to love it. Definitely is something to think about when your life is going nowhere…not only metaphorically. The commands set down by nobody to rule everybody, and everyone loves to follow them. We have this inborn need to have everyone like us! We want to be judged! We want to be labelled! You want the world to lick your boots and make them shiny. And then when you have had enough rejection, you become the rebel. You will hate society! You will want to crush it down! You will be the destruction of it all! Ironically that is how great people are born. There is nothing divine in human. Everything is as fucked up as can be. When you were born you had already sold your soul to the devil. You are not holy, you are crap. In this world of crap you make me who you are.. you don’t spare anyone! You kill anything that is ever good. You hate individualtiy. You will break them down to what you are, eventually. Thank you world, because even before I knew what I was you figured me out and killed my insides with all that you ever were. Thank you world because now Im just one more hipocrite and I can’t wait for you to judge me.

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I wanna remember this day so that whenever I feel like I wanna stay here, I realize no one here wants me to stay.

I finally said all the things I wanted them to hear. I told them almost everything. Yeah, they stormed out of here, and I think I feel a little bad…knowing I brought back every bitter memory I shared with them. The sweet memories are far too small and forgettable. I am so sorry I couldn’t forgive them for what they did to me…But the thing is, neither could they. I don’t know how things would turned into this bad that we would need our mothers to stand between us while we talk, so that we don’t hit each other.. I think if i could take it all back..alll the things, from the start, I would take it all. I never wanted this. But this is not about what I want. This is about what I have to do now.

I know the bitter things flew out of my mouth like vomit, coz I held it in so long. It came out like I had always wished it to. I wanted a full closure on what we were. I wanted to stop seeing them in front of me..laughing, talking, flaunting things I never had. Not materials…just things I will never have. I hate them. I hate them with my guts. I think that I might even want them dead. And I hate that. How cruel is it that I would find peace to see my own sisters die? How evil is that? I think I might have numbed myself down, I think that I might even have lost a bit of sanity. I don’t think everyone would understand what I feel about them. This hatred, loathing is so reasonable, and stupid at the same time…it may seem childish in a way. But them and I have long since crossed the path of just being childish. ..

I turned the heat on my iron, so I could hit them with it if they came in my room. I am ashamed of myself. In the lieu of saving myself from their hurting words, I was ready to hurt them back. Iu think now sorry has no place in our relationship. We are way past a few sweet simple words to mend our hatred. The thing about blood relations is you can never really break it. I wish I could. And this is what makes me sad. Every feeling I have towards them makes me cringe. I hate that I hate them. I wish I could love them. I wish I could call them sisters. I wish i could talk to them without shouting at them.

But the reality is that they hate me and I hate them, they don’t want me here and I don’t want them here. I can’t do much about anything… But I can make me go away. That would make them extremely happy. When I’m gone I know they won’t miss me. The best way to solve this is for me to go away. Well, a treat from me to them. I am sick of what is happening with me. I just don’t want to hate them! But I don’t think I can make that happen. All I can do is forget that I hate them. That is possible when I do not see them. Since no one else loves me here anyways, there isn’t really a reason for me to stay. Everybody wins here.

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